separation from separate lives.

i dont even know you

you never knew me

now im not just here for you

why dont you see?

i want to kiss your lips while you hold me. reaching for you as your breath kisses my face...feel you...i just want to feel you...

 

come lay with me.

alone

you always leave me here....alone. never knowing where you are or what you are doing. shouldnt i be someone who knows this shit?

 

what the hell happened?

where did you go?

where is my best friend?

i dont even know you anymore...

 

i hate it here. i have how this feels. i never thought id be back here....

 

you fucken bar star. youre missing out on a good thing.

i hope you're not fucking her right now. cause if you are you'll never see me again.

 

ill awlays be someones punching bag, if not my own.

love will never be real.

release, dating...then tragedy...love...real love...insanity...do you really want me dead? try me...move...move....move...hospital beds....no bleeding....love....love....love....a ring...dancing...so in....so happy...the decision...rush in...nothing seems to work out the way you want and then it all comes together...move...move....move...so much love...so in..so in...time slips, love fades....people change...no intimacy...no rage...nothing...nothing....nothing...out of it, out of love...you of everything...alone. lost...alone...

 

nothings gonna change my world...but if you and i arent meant to be then im going to have to change it.

 

i didnt think it was possible to break a broken heart.

meh, i just dont care about shit anymore.
things with her are great...shes the one whos always there for me...and then theres j who is more than amazing when im all fucked up, hitting my head on the fucken vanity screaming cause i dont know where i am. fucken idiot.
DONT FUCKEN DRINK ANYMORE.
meh. she moved in with d...and i could care less right now, because thats a mess iw ouldnt want to get caught in.
its over, never going to happen. but thats ok, because if it were meant to happen it would be happening right now, so i guess its not, so whatever...





i hope shes worth losing me.
but you know what...shes missin out on the best thing that could have happened in her life...all for a good fuck and free rent.


im not in love with anymore.

life review
went home for the summer, got over my own shit.
came back to the life that was killing me and let myself slip further back into the mess over time.
dated someone for 4 months...was going good until i realized i couldnt love them.
fell in love...finally...with someone who was in love with me.
made love to them and felt real for the first time.
she told me she slept with her.
now what?
then claimed that she didnt want to sleep with anyone for a while, yet, she still wanted to act like a couple with me.
apparently she didnt want to sleep wtih me at all.
and now...shes fucking her again and wants to date her.
brilliant. just fucken brilliant.
yet...she still believes that ill want to be with her in the end of all of this.
why the hell are you fucking her?
i just gave you the best weekend of my life...only to ask you the next day if you're sleeping iwth her and you say yes.
what...was gonna wait till after the amazing weekend i spent hundreds of dollars on...for you?
rip my heart out a lil more...go ahead..spit on it...it doesnt have a beat anyways.
why dont you just hold the blade up for me so that i can bleed out all my love for you.
bleed it out all over your feet so that you can see what you have done to me.
but i wont. ill just hang my head and let you walk all over me...because thats what i do.
fuck i want to cut.
just when i thought things were good...amazing even...you went and ripped my life out once again.

fuck you...this is my last wind
you say you love me
do you mean it?
do you really mean it when you look me in the eyes and tell me that?
im not your fucken wife.
if you wanted me to be here forever, well, you had your chance.
i loved you.
LOVED.
past tense. and now what?
yes, i do want to leave here, tonight i do.
"i think i just fell off the fence"
what the fuck do you get out of telling me shit like that? fall off the fence, do it. i dont fucken care, just make sure you hit your head on the concrete, and guess who wont be there to help you pick up the peices.
why do i lie to myself about this?
i love you.
yes...i do.
cant let that one thing go and now that i have someone in my life i cant seem to get it together for her.
in my head.
you and i are together.
i hope you dont sleep with me tonight.
but i want you to.
but i dont.
where is she?
i want to cut.
why? it doesnt make sense.
does anything relaly make sense anymore?
no.
i think that it does. but really, it doesnt.
i want it to, but i dont think that it really does.
i dont know where i am right now.
all i know is that there are keys under my fingers, and sound flowing into my ears.
sound that is firmiliar to me, but yet, confuses me.
the sound of your fingers on the keys.
i want to hit myself with your lap top and make you watch me bleed.
what the fuck is my problem?
sleep while i clean YOUR fucken house.
this isnt my house anymore.
and once again, im not where i belong.
why cant you just fucken love me?
because i dont have the body you want?
i can have a beautiful heart and soul...love you like no other, but yet, you dont want me because of how i look...i now thats how it is.
just waiting for that perfect little ball of insanity to cross your path again.
fuck her.
not me.
ill just leave, and youll cry and beg me to stay.
but ill leave.
ill leave you.
and ill grin.

the low down
Mood:  lazy
its been a wild fucken ride.
sex...and lots of it with wild situations coming up.
being back home away from her - better off this way.
thinking i need to move out. i dont belong there.
cut all my hair off, woot.
umm...met a girl around here...which is going awesome. i like being "friends" muaha.
startin to get my head on a lil better, havnet cut in a while, which is good. been feelin pretty good actually, about everything.
getting over things...number 1.
havent been sleepin all that great. three days an n o sleep, then sleeping for 12 hours. fucked up.
so yeah, my life has been off the wall hte last lil while. hardly any communication with ren, but im sure she doesnt want to talk to me anyways, since she never answers the phone hardly and never talks long anyways. oh well.
missin whit. for some odd reason.
a friend is in love with me, i know it. weird.
maybe thats it for now. oh well. noone reads this anywho. woot.

when the wind blows through my heart
Mood:  crushed out
throw your love in my face
doesnt matter that im leaving
you dont even care
could probably care less
all i wanted was for you to take care of me tonight
just like the day of my moms death
i just wanted you there
with me...just you and me
because i wanted someone who i thought would care
but you werent
and you arent
so now im sitting here
crying
because i cant seem to find
where i belong in your life
so ill just leave
just leave this mess i made
cry alone
because im always alone
you dont care
you dont care
i just want you here iwth me
im so not ok
im so not ok
shaking
fuck i need out of this fucken life

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck you
your lover??? oh my fucken god. why dont you just die already. fuck. as if. *shakes head*. whats the fucken point to being here anymore if this is nowhere where i want to be at all...not even fucking close anymore. fuck. your lover...fuck you. why do i even waste my time on it anymore. should have jumped over that bridge. i do believe me and my blade are going to have a little meeting in a few minutes...hmm....i can feel it already. yes...deep red, burning my eyes.

fuck you. why cant i just die and be forgotten already. fuck.

im sick of being mind fucked.
im sick of being everyones door mat.
im sick of never getting what i deserve.
im sick of being me.
im sick of fucking wanting to die.
im sick of feeling like im worthless. so fucken worthless.

my hearts racing and you know what??? i really dont give a shit if i bleed forever right now. i can already feel it...hmmm...fucken rights im going to go deep this time.

fuck you.

just do it already
saturday night i almost jumped over a bridge rail. i was actually really close to talking myself into doing it. wanted to just get it over with. thought maybe it would stop everyones pain, and everyone could move on without me and my shit in the way. maybe it would be better. because right now i dont feel like im here for anyone anymore, im just filling up space...filling a void. yeah i healed that part of you, but now what...you're done iwth me and shes in your life, so ill just go away. nothing will ever be the same, not that anything was anything to what i wanted it to be. nothing ever will. maybe i should just fuckend disappear, make things a lot easier to deal with. spend an eternity burning in hell for my actions.

oh wouldnt it be nice...